Schizophrenic Life

Last night, I had a better night after all. I went to see my coach for our final session. We reviewed my "progress". I started our sessions with a desire to improve on my leadership skills, obtain health and fitness goals and improve on my work situation. After reviewing everything, I realized that in 6 months, I didn't do much. How scary is that that time passes regardless and we still can be in the same (or WORSE) situation if we choose.

Yes, it's a choice. It's a choice to make improvements as much as it's a choice to stay the same. For me staying the same sucks, but it is scary for me to make change. Schizophrenia! Until we are more committed to our change than to our commitment to stay the same, nothing is gained except a whole lot of frustration. I know that this is why the Mark Twight article knocked me over.

My coach recommended that I read some poetry. In six months, I read zero poems. He presented me with a book of poetry by Mary Oliver as a gift. I read my first poem in a long time last night. I was a bit confused. LOL

I've decided not to seek any formal coaching arrangement for a while. I need to use the tools and resources that I've gained to make some things happen. One tool that has proven to be invaluable is my journaling. I did not realize how much I get from my journal than when I read old entries from three years ago. That showed me the power of my thoughts, words and actions on paper.

After spending an hour reading my old journal, I was inspired and in love with me and my energy. I am naturally an energetic, out-going person. I realized that when I am not in my element, I lose these very powerful attributes. This is sad. I have something to look forward to as I reclaim my energy and my personality.

So after my coaching session in SF. I went to see Bea last night in Pleasanton. I was the only one that showed up for inner circle. The plan was to complete the program for Saturday's workshop. The funny thing is that I was glad that I was the only one as I am the presenter and I feel I should have control of the program. (Hey, I'm teaching!) Well, I later found out that she had planned it that way.

We had a great time chatting about different subjects, mainly around weight and authenticity.

She helped me to see that I could run my business from my own strengths and be straight-up with my clients when we are committing to an appointment. She asked me to do an experiment and be my authentic self to just "see what happens." I literally had a buzz going on in my body. I know that is what I need to do, why am I so afraid to do it. It's because after being picked on for everything that I did (my hair, my clothing, my intelligence, my weight, who I was interested in, my speaking style, my ethnicity), I came to the conclusion that "being me" was not good enough for others.

Do you know what kind of misery comes from trying to satisfy others desires for you? Yes, it sucks! This is no place for someone to live. I have abandoned my cottage...I'll let you know how the experiment runs!